Broken Heart Within.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

...misery...

Two months.Two months have passed since I felt this way.And Im still feeling this way.Ive just been so empty,forlorn and I cant seem to know why.But Saturday's the day,and it's coming.=>
But I just can't help but to feel this way.Im still in denial.Why am I here?Why am I still stuck here?I used to be best in my class,but that was Olevels.How far from the throne I came crashing down.Disillusionment.And Im nothing.Nothing but denial in trash.Maybe Im losing my sense of purpose.I let myself down.And Im trying to pick myself back up.But it seems Im kicking my face back down to the ground,the hatred.I let myself down again.And it doesn't help school is a fenced-up,walled institution of subjugation,walls here,walls there.What time is it?Why doesn't the day end yet?What am I doing here?What time is it?Im breaking down.And I need you here.

Given Up

Ive given up
Im sick of living
is there nothing you can say
take this all away
i'm suffocating
tell me what the fuck is wrong with me

---9:42 PM---

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

...guardians...

Just ended two days of COP Campland.Really enjoyed it,and this is my third time doing such a camp for primary five kids.I just enjoy and look forward to working,or more aptly put being with kids.Maybe cuz Im an only child.And Im a kid at heart myself.(I still go WOAH and gawk at any cool new toys at ToysRUs,and I cant resist but play at playgrounds once in a while=P)

Besides that,its just nice and I feel happy and fulfilled making these kids happy after the camp,and taking back a lesson or two in life.I paired up with Afi from 0741A,the class we got to mentor was named Care.Hey,let's care for each other! =P

And we really had a great,meaningful two days =>

sunset boulevard

surfer's on

after a day's work

syafiq is big

fiqa just bought a new fan

and we are buddies

teacher airlifted!

Tarzan!

and then it was goodbye...

with Amira

3 amigos

and we're happy,aren't we?

Care,I'll remember

and my insides turned to ashes

i just miss you so

and my thoughts inside collapsed

without you here,

its slow,so cold

---9:12 PM---

Friday, May 25, 2007

...reverberations...

Today was College Day. I've been feeling so worn out,tired,forlorn all week. Im on the verge of a breakdown,Im close to shutting off and out. But I keep this mask.I keep the smile straight(I try). I don't know why Im feeling this way,but I feel its due to work,CCA,and myself. It's just building up.
During the award presentation where my friends,now in Year2,received their gifts,I can't help but feel dejected,but resolved at the same time.I want to be there.Im hurting here.Im trying my best,now.Im atoning my mistakes for the past year.But the way Im feeling now,have my path lost direction? Am I fighting a causeless battle? I cant seem to throw the pain away,the emptiness inside me.
I feel so useless,I might not have a reason.And I keep this mask.

in my disgrace
with no roads left

---8:56 PM---

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

...bake my cake...

Wednesday,POP Surpass Day.We Innovians get to choose a range of activities which teach or expose us to various,new skills like manicure,magic tricks,Indian dance,abseiling and baking. I chose baking,and our dear mentor for baking was Mdm Masayu! She loves cupcakes.And thus we learnt how to bake cupcakes,big ones,small ones,frosted,nonfrosted.Very interesting,fulfilling day. And filling day.Plus there was a 6 vehicle crash at the highway right beside our school.Enjoy.

accident preceding POP

Mdm Masayu's magic touch

frosting's sweet

the first batchwork in progress
the workspaceit's risinghey,guys can bakethe thirteen

and i just couldn't say it

the way i wanted it

---6:04 PM---

Sunday, May 20, 2007

a star up in the sky

We went down to Fort Canning Hill to watch Midsummer Night's Dream,under the stary night sky on the grassy lawns with the cold night dew on out shoes,and the moonlight shining upon us. I brought chips,Fi brought pasta(yay!!) and Vani treated us all to drinks. I chose Tiger Beer..hahaaa kidding laah,I got myself a 2litre mineral water bottle,seriously.We went up the wrong side of the hill,and spent 20 mins walking around to fnd the darn Fort Canning Green. At a junction,we came upon 0741A,which stands beside us in morning assembly,and I was happy to see them,now at least we can find the place together. When we finally found the place,it was packed with people,already seated on mats sprawled on the grass,it was like a mass picnic.

We settled down after much bickering about a nice spot,and then out came the food.I wasn't even paying attention to the early parts of the play,as I was munching away at Fi's mom's macaroni,potato chips,biscuits and whatnot. I was just eating,and had Fi to explain the show to me.Hahaa...but then I paid attention after that.

We had an interval,and met Rusydia at the FortHouse,had a chat with Nami's boyfriend Nasz.I kinda enjoyed the second part of the play,though i admit I didn't really dig the show.I enjoyed the fact we all came together under the night sky and enjoyed an outing ala-picnic,but I wouldn't want to watch another show like that.Though I dig the theme of dreams and fairies.

And so we went off,to CityHall and separated to go home.The girls went crazy for a moment,screaming like nobody's business in the middle of the street.I didn't know them for a moment.

Fiqa: We don't belong here.I don't understand a thing.

Lassie:Fi,look! Raju.(proceed to do meditating pose) Im meditating.

Ilham:That botak looks gay.

and leave the roses on my casket,

lace them with your tears

and help me leave behind some

reasons to be missed

at CityHall

@ Fort Canning Green

interval

with the guys of 0741A

brudder,sista

@ Peninsula

train back home

and what are dreams,if they only serve to disillusion?are they a man's unrelenting desire for many a worldly wants,or are they sincere visions for the future?

---3:22 PM---

Saturday, May 19, 2007

too close too far

How deep,how dark
I never felt so lost
Never knew,now Im stuck
when all the time was tossed
away so far
You never really cared
(away so far)
when my mind laid bare
(away so far)
when we were all scared
(away so far)
all you could do was stare
(into my eyes so clear)
because that's the only reason so near
you could use to erase your fears

(chorus)
And I should have known
how far this would take me
Taking your words with lies sewn
deep inside all I wanted was
to be free

with hands held high into a sky so blue
as the ocean opens up to swallow you

---10:24 PM---

Friday, May 18, 2007

run forrest run

Today's our college sports meet. I was under the impression i was gonna have to just sit at the grandstand,cramped with others and sweating it out,looking at people run like the wind. But 2 hours before the reporting time,my dear house captain found me in the library and informed me that I was up for 100m boys event. I was in disbelief. Firstly,I didnt think I qualified at all during the heats.Secondly, I just had a heavy lunch. How in the world am I gonna run? But no matter,it was a task for me.I couldn't let my House Taurus down. I got myself ready after attending the Third Council Investiture(congrats to the new batch of councillors,and adieu to the Second Council,u guys did a great job) I got the first lane,and bib number one. The wind blew across as we got to the line. The heat shone upon us. The crack of the smokegun sounded off. I ran as fast as I could. I got the first lane,and bib number one. I got the last position in the race. But I did my best. I just felt darn useless after that. Sigh. I drank 10 cups of Milo after that to drown my sorrow. Haha...
Taurus came out as Champion House for the Sports Day! Taurus Rulez!

i did the best i could
but sometimes the best wasn't enough

---9:48 PM---

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